too funny

hi my dear twigs...funny the last thing you said is that i inspire you with my lack of insanity...but i read it lack of sanity...actually, how do i describe where my head is at right now? i spent the last few days feeling lonely, quiet, and angry...watching my 'friend' sit on her computer, instead of looking out her window at the beach house with the sun rising over the ocean, sending text messages instead if just being there in the moment with her friend, and talking on the phone competing with the cries of the gulls while riding bike along the ocean...all the while feeling a distance larger than the grand canyon spanning us...so i can't wait to get home to my handsome guy and manage to send the cell phone into the city for a date on her last night here with her 'friend' shelly, whatever...so i try to scrap up a smile and go and put on a pretty shirt, some make up, even curl my hair and sit on the front step waiting for my man, who just decided he needs to be at work longer than the cell phone will be gone...so i am breaking my rule about drink and sadness and finding solace in a glass of wine with my curly hair and sparkly lips and shiny wet eyes...why do i so often feel misunderstood and alone? why do i sit here alone trying to convince myself that i am cute and funny and more importantly enjoyable company? why do my tears run my mascara and my little demon tell me i am ugly and fat at the same time that i fight for sanity and a very tenuous hold on the progress i have made? did you ever listen to the song i put on the blog for you? it was a you tube link. i wish you would listen to it. did u like the pic of you by the ocean i put in? here i am, can u hear me?????????????????? i sad